Wednesday, January 23, 2013
This will be the second hardest part of the story to write. The hardest part comes later.
This part, this is where I open the closet door and let the skeletons tumble out. This part, I tell the world something that some may judge and look down on me for. I will do my best to write this so that I am understood, so the situation is clear, and perhaps, perhaps no one can blame me for what happened.
As you know (If you don't, read The Next Chapter ) The Artist and I had not been happy for years. Let me make this very clear, I am not laying blame at his feet. I am not calling him out. It takes two to fail at a marriage. It takes both parties to let it get so bad that you drift along and pass each other like ships in the night. We both are guilty of the impasse, we both are guilty of ignoring each other, letting the affection and emotion go. We both moved on in our hearts years ago, and for some reason we stayed. We stayed in a loveless marriage living like roommates for years, clinging to something that was broken. But we couldn't let it go.
Oh, we tried. We talked divorce, he would move out, and back he would come. I'd let him back every time. Sometimes, I would beg him to come back. Sometimes, I would push him away. But we couldn't let go. We knew we should, we knew it was over. We have both lived separate lives from one another all this time.
In all honesty, I will never stop loving the dude I fell in love with thirteen years ago. But he is not the same person anymore, and neither am I. We have not loved, truly loved, each other for years. The way we have come to live, it was clear that in our hearts we had already moved on.
And then, someone walked into my life.
Back in October I became friends with The Writer. We grew so close, so fast, I found myself in late night conversations with him, opening up about myself as I had not to anyone in years. It was painfully obvious there were feelings on both sides.
How could there not be? The Writer makes pretty words, and says pretty words, and he's everything I have ever wanted in a man. If I could have sat down and wrote the qualities, the personality, the looks, beliefs, etc of the perfect person for me, and had him come to life, The Writer would have stepped from the pages.
We skirted the issue for as long as we could, until we couldn't any longer.
Once the admissions were made, the feelings intensified. He didn't want to be a home wrecker. I assured him the home was already wrecked when he walked on scene. We still held back.
The friendship continued to flourish. He became my biggest support system, my biggest fan. He stood in my corner and rooted me on, picked me up when I fell and pushed me onward when I could go no more.
He would call me to remind to get out of bed, take a shower, do laundry, to walk. He would text me all day long with words of encouragement and praise me when I was doing well. He sat on the phone with me when I couldn't sleep, and talked me to sleep when I couldn't let him go.
He read everything I have ever written. He loved my writing and would tell me so. He edited for me.
He was interested in my life, he truly cared what I was doing, how I was doing.
When The Artist and I decided we were getting a divorce, The Writer was the third to know. (He knew long before you folks).
With that knowledge, the feelings grew and grew until I was in love.
So much in love.
Being honest, always, I sat down with The Artist and I told him about The Writer. Being as we had already decided this was over, and we were moving on with a divorce, he was not upset. Actually, he gave me his blessing and said, "I am happy for you. I am glad you found someone who writes, who can live in that world with you. I hope he makes you happy. I hope he gives you what I couldn't. And, if he ever hurts you I will break his face." He said the last while cracking his knuckles.
I had the blessing of my soon to be ex to move on. To find happiness, and love, in my life.
Unfortunately he still lives here. As I have said, financially we can't separate yet. We have lived above and beyond our means, on a two person income for far too long, to split. We'd lose everything. And that would hurt our boys.
By "lives here" I mean he's sometimes here. Sometimes he's not. He has other places he sleeps, and is gone for days sometimes. This is our arrangement and it works for us. He sleeps on the couch, the bedroom is mine now. (Has been for a very long time. We haven't slept in the same bed since 2009) We just gotta work out the debt and the bills and continue to share those, and incomes, until we can handle it on our own. This is in the best interest of the Tinys.
Meanwhile, The Writer and I have talked for hours about us. We made so many plans for the day we could be together. We dreamed and hoped and loved. We fell in love so hard, so fast. He's romantic. So romantic, that this cynic fell in love and believed again. He's not one dimensional, though. He's also funny and makes (made) me laugh until I cried and spoke unintelligibly. There's so much about him I could tell you. There's so many things I love about him.
Folks, The Writer was my Noah.
Instead of writing about him now, trying to explain who he is, what he is to me, how I feel, I am going to share a few pieces I wrote for, and about, him.
She Fell in Love
She who never knew
Naught but hatred
Discovered loves uplifting
freedom from anguish
She who had only
Been dealt harsh words
Entrapped in a venomous web
Of dripping lies and misconceptions
Was released from the binding
Sticky threads of torment
Lavished with kind words
And she did live again
"I have fallen. Fallen so hard. I tripped and I fell over your words and I fell. I am in love. Life is wonderful for having you in it. Life is beautiful and everything has new meaning to me. I hear every song in a different light, I see the entire world in a different view.
What was once a barren, cold, unforgiving landscape is beautiful. Where I once would have seen the dead trees of winter, I saw the sun shining, reflecting off of the newly fallen snow. And it was beautiful. It took my breath away.
I tell you all the time you took a dead heart and made it beat again. You fought against all the walls I had so painstakingly, for so many years, built up around myself and my heart, walls I barricaded so no one could ever get in. In the rays of the shining light that is your love, those walls crumbled to the ground, leaving me small and vulnerable. You swept me up in your arms, enveloped me in your love and you made it alright. In that barren landscape that was my life, the sun did shine so brightly, the sky was blue and the world shone with love. There, in this place, surrounded by your love, I am brave. I am brave, I am strong, I am courageous and I have hope once again. I am so ecstatic to feel these long forgotten feelings.
You have brought beauty into my life. Because now that I have felt your love, I can never see the world the same again. There is too much love, too much beauty in this world I could never see before in the darkness that was my world. But with your love, your sunlight, I can see now. I can really, really see, and oh, how beautiful this world is.
You have changed me forever. You have touched me as no other ever has, and I will never be the same again.
So I will throw my arms into the air, tilt my face back, and soak in the warmth of your light, the heat of your love and I will allow my heart to beat wildly. And I will hope. I will hope and love and live for the day we are together. I will be strong.
You bring new meaning to my life. You have lit up these sad, dark halls with sunshine and music.
I will forever be grateful to you.
I am now, and will always be, in love with you."
"You light up all the dark parts of my life, you bring hope and love and make a sad heart beat once more. You make me smile and you make me laugh. You stupid, stupid boy, I stupid love you. I love you hard. I'm in love with you and I can't stop falling. I'd fall forever if you were always there to catch me.
You're amazeballs. You're awesomesauce. You goddamn brilliant word smith, smithing all the words that make my heart go pitter patter.
I love you so much it's turning my world inside out.
The sky is so blue it's blinding me."
"I fall more in love every day, with every word, every smile."
"My heart soars with your love and faith in me."
There is more, so much more I have already written, could still write, and it would never be enough. I began a letter to him once with these words, "There are no words in all of the dictionaries, in all of the world, in any language, to describe my love for you. I could never fill enough pages with my words to express my love, nor speak enough soliloquies."
This. Is. All I can write today. I have to step away.
The hardest part comes tomorrow.
The ending is always the hardest part to write, of any story.